What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 28.06.2025 07:43
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
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He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
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As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Im still living with it.
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All the time i was locked up.
I never cut or harmed myself..
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
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He resisted the act ,that day.
Who then, do I blame.?
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
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I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
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Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Comes on , in middle age.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I was 9 years of age.
So, i spoilt her more .
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And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
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But im dying ,and its too late for me.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
But it wasn’t much.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
She loved him until the end.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I will be 64.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
She wouldn,t have been !
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I couldn’t, believe it.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I could never make a relationship work though!
She found it foreign!.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
As i do to all so called friends.?
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
My mum and dad in the seventies!
He knew the spot.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I was very sick at this time too.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I waited trembling.
We were not on the streets..
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
It was going to be , some day.
Was to survive, this bastard.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
What did i know ?
I have no regrets .
She married twice! .
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I was scared of men, in general
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
She was in good health!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
We all went to grammer schools
My life is so biszare .
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
One cannot live in the past .
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Ive learnt so much.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
But, we were locked up after school.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I don,t even have a pension.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
But ive been too sick for many years..
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I was seconnd youngest,
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I said to her
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
When she asked me how she looked .
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
So whats the point in blame.
This is soul school!.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
(And it was in our own minds.)
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Would this be the day?
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
And i lived it daily.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Especially a lifetime of it.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
My family never makes their pension either.
I write beautiful poetry .
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I think the readers, may guess!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Why did i forgive my father ?
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Put me off passion for life!!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .